


Bright Lights

by Bejules



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Angst, I'm so sorry I don't know why I wrote this, Love Confessions, M/M, One Shot, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-16
Updated: 2017-04-16
Packaged: 2018-10-19 13:34:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10640868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bejules/pseuds/Bejules
Summary: Clay Jensen was weak. He could not love Hannah Baker, and as he stared out at the bright city lights, he knew he could not enable himself ruin Tony.(I'm baddddd at thinking of a summary. Just know it's an angsty Tony / Clay one-shot)





	

**Author's Note:**

> My first fic! I just love these characters, so sorry. Please enjoy :)

The bright lights of the city looked beautiful at night. Clay peered out on them through his damp, squinted eyes. All of the different, vibrant colors blurred together. He wiped away the tear spilling down his cheek. The city looked so peaceful from the cliff he was stood upon. It was almost as if the people within the town were also able to rest; to live in peaceful bliss. Yet, there was no rest. Hannah Baker killed herself, and destroyed everything and everyone in her wake all with a set of thirteen tapes. There was not one night where someone did not go to sleep choking back sobs, and tonight that person was Clay.

Those fucking tapes were traumatizing for everybody, and they were about to hurt so many more. Clay came clean about them, and so did a few other kids. The lawyers could not tell him no matter how many times he asked. No matter how much fire and passion filled his voice, he never got any information. Clay remembered being on the very same cliff with Tony on the night he heard his own tape.

Everything looked so different. The same beautiful city lights were rapidly dancing around his vision, making him feel dizzy as the world span around him. The current soft sway of the sea instead crashed loudly over and over again until he could barely hear his own heartbeat. Everything was so rushed, so frantic, so... so...

That was when Tony came up from behind, and pulled him off of the edge. He enveloped him in a warm hug that grounded him, and soon everything was slowed down. Sobs racked through his body as he tightened his grip on Tony, who just put a hand around his neck and made him feel safe and protected.

The only similarity between that dreadful night and this one where Clay was alone was the ground beneath the cliff. It was so inviting. Clay wanted to jump back then, and looking down at it again, he still understood those emotions. The rocks below looked so inviting. If he just took one step everything would stop –the trials, the tapes, the guilt– and he could join Hannah. They could finally be together.

Clay took a slight step forward. He was quite a few feet from falling. He took another step, but leaned back a little bit. He also could recall his first time at this location. Tony made him climb it even though he did not believe himself to be strong enough. Tony proved him wrong, and taught him more about himself, just like he always did. Clay learned more about himself with Tony helping him, than he ever did his entire life trying to figure things out on his own.

He closed his eyes and could see that bright November day. He remembered the genuine smiles on his and Tony's lips. An actual radiant, true smile was plastered on Clay's face. It had been the first one in a very long time since Jeff had passed away in that car accident. The one that Hannah and Sherri caused. The accident that they caused because he left Hannah in that room by herself. Which meant that Bryce could rape Jessica and...

Clay took another step forward. He did not even bother to wipe the many tears that were stained on his face and flooding his vision. Everything was his fault. Why should he live when the ones he hurt could not? 

Clay thought of Tony, who was always there to help him. Not just for the tapes, but everything in his life before and after them. He was going to ruin Tony. He did not deserve whatever wreckage Clay would bring him. He already had brought him so much baggage. As Clay took another step he realized how much he sounded just like Hannah in her tape to himself. He pulled out his cell phone. A part of him did not want to be like Hannah. Skye had once called her weak, and Tony could make Clay feel brave.

The phone rang for a short amount of time until Clay heard the smooth voice from his phone, "Hey Clay," he let out a shaky breath.

"What are you doing up so late, Tony?" Clay did not even know what time it was.

"You called me." Clay looked down. He tried to control his breathing, and to use Tony's voice to ground himself. "Are you alright?"

Clay laughed, and he knew Tony would be able to hear the stress behind it. He found himself right at the edge of the cliff, his toes hanging off over the edge. He should just say goodbye to Tony. There was no way he was going to survive tonight. He was not strong enough. He was exactly like Hannah Baker.

"I just wanted to thank you, I have never really done that."

"Thank me? For what?"

Clay sighed. He just wanted this to be quick. there would be no more thinking and no more worrying. Maybe he should just fall without saying a proper goodbye. Why should he care? He would not have to be around to deal with consequences any more. The only thing that held him back was the sound of Tony's soft breathing. the fact that he had the phone pressed up close to his face.  "Everything, Tony. You were there for me when I had the tapes. Headspace and all that. You just help me a lot."

"Always, Clay." Always would be a lot shorter than he knew. Clay sighed. "Is this what you called to tell me about?"

"Yeah, and also..." Clay's voice faded out. What was he thinking? Oh god just jump already. Just let your body go limp until you hit your solid destiny. "I need to tell you something."

There was a pause on the other end. Not enough time for Clay to start worrying, but enough time for his breath to hitch. "What is it?" Tony asked.

Clay remained silent. He lifted one leg up in the air and let it hover above the rocks far, far beneath him. He was so close, but Tony's voice dragged him further away. He put his leg down, and stood up straight. What did he want to tell Tony? There was obviously, definitely something he needed to say, but... He could not find the words. "Umm"

"You can tell me anything, Clay. I mean it Al-"

"Always. Yeah, I know." Clay finished Tony's statement. He pinched the bridge of his nose as he tried to get his brain to flow sentences out of his mouth. "I guess I just wanted to tell you thanks, and that you mean a lot to me." He paused. "You mean a whole fucking lot to me, Tone."

He heard Tony let out a fond sigh on the other end. "I know that. You also know that you mean a lot to me as well right? Almost everything, Clay."

"You have a boyfriend."

"Who hates me because I am in love with you."

There was a long silence as the words settled in. _Love._ That was the word Clay was looking for. The emotion he knew he felt, but did not know until he heard Tony say it to him. "Love?"

"Yeah, Clay. You heard me." Clay bit his lip to keep himself from gasping.

"Well fuck. Um..."

"Look, Clay you do not have to say anything back. I should not have said that I'm so-"

"No no no! Don't apologize!" Clay almost shouted. He heard a small echo of his voice. He wanted to say the words so, so badly, but how could he? He really would ruin Tony. He would bother him too much; would be too clingy. He was already dependent on him as it was and they were not even together. Plus, he had a boyfriend, who hated him because of Clay. Oh God, Clay was ruining his fucking relationship with his boyfriend because he was a mess of a person. He couldn't... He couldn't... "I uhh. Well..."

"You don't have to say anything."

"I want to, Tony! Fuck I-I. I really, really like you too." He paused to catch his breath. Why was he still going? Why did he leave when Hannah wanted him to stay, and why did he continue when Tony asked him to stop? Why could he not just listen? "I may love you too." He really should just step forwards and end it all. Then he would be able to stop. 

Clay could hear Tony let out a relieved breath. He could actually _hear_  him smiling on the other end of the call. Clay sniffled, and finally let himself wipe the tears from his wet face. He could see all of the individual lights shining out in the dark night sky. "Clay, are you okay? Are you crying?" Tony asked with worry dripping in his voice.

"Yeah... Fuck wait no. I'm crying, but I'm not okay."

"Do you want me to come over?" Clay imagined if he were home that he would say yes. He would let Tony come upstairs, slip into his bed, and hold him tight until he cried himself into a deep sleep. Except he was not home, because he was contemplating his own death. He did not deserve any more of Tony's comfort. He had used him too many times before.

"No. I... I'm not home."

"Where are you? Are you somewhere safe?" Clay peered down below him at the ground, so far away.

"Yeah. I just went for a walk. Had to clear my head."

"As long as you are safe. We can always talk about this tomorrow."

"Yeah... Can we do this tomorrow? Monets?"

"Yeah, Clay. Goodnight."

Clay sighed deeply into the phone, "I love you Tony."

"I love you too. Go home and get some rest."

Clay hung up the phone and placed it back into his sweatshirt pocket. He was still staring down below him. That could be his final destination. The same ground where Tony helped encourage him to climb.

He wanted to make it to tomorrow. He wanted to see what was in store for him and Tony, but he knew he shouldn't. He was weak and pathetic. Tony does not actually love him anyways, and even if he did, Clay just could not give him the burden of all his baggage. Hannah thought she would ruin Clay by dating him. She was wrong, she ruined him when she killed herself and blamed him for it. Now he was not any good for someone like Tony.

He wished he did not feel the way he did; so terrible and lost. He wished Hannah had not killed herself. He wished he did not leave her at Jessica's party, but he did because he was an idiot and a coward and he hated himself everyday for it. He just wanted to stop hating himself. He just wanted it to stop. He wished he did not love Tony. Then everything would just be easier, and he would have a place to go without the feeling that he would ruin everything. He wished he had been better. He could have been a better person to a lot of different people. He wished he could stop feeling bad, or just feeling anything at all.

He did it. Clay Jensen shut his eyes and took one final deep breath before stepping off of that cliff. The cliff where he realized he felt something so strong  and so deep for Tony.

He regretted it. Every fiber in his being regretted making that final step. He should have gotten help. He should have gone to someone, anybody. As he plummeted to the ground he had been staring at all night, he wished he could have been stronger. He wished he could have stepped back for Tony. That he could–

Everything went black.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey thanks for reading my very first fanfiction! I hope you enjoyed and any feedback is greatly appreciated! :D  
> If you need any help please, PLEASE get some! You can always talk to me if needed or you can check this site if you feel you need it - 13reasonswhy.info


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